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Matthew 18.21-35 "Why and How to Forgive Others"

Year A Proper 19

by Clancy Nixon

Church of the Holy Spirit

September 11, 2005

www.holyspiritdulles.org

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant is the story of someone who just didn't "get

it." A merciful King had forgiven him a huge, unpayable debt, yet he did not forgive a

much smaller debt owed to him. Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross, was

reminded one day of a vicious thing that someone had done to her years before. But she

acted as if she had never even heard of the incident. "Don't you remember it?" her friend

asked. "No," came Barton's reply, "I distinctly remember forgetting it." Clara Barton got

it. And she didn't even get the Washington Post! Think of that. She made a decision to

forgive and forget.

C. S. Lewis said, "Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have

something to forgive." The theory is great. "Don't hold grudges; Let go and let God."

It's the practice that's hard. When you've been wounded, betrayed, or abused, it's tough

to forgive, because you want to protect yourself from being hurt again. Today is the

fourth anniversary of September 11, 2001. How are the families of those who were killed

at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon supposed to forgive Bin Laden and the

hijackers? How do they let go of the pain of seeing that empty chair at the dinner table

night after night? It's not easy. It takes God's help.

A. Why we are to forgive others

Most of us know that forgiveness is a good thing. We understand that we are supposed to

forgive, but we may have missed why. It's the doing of it that is hard. Let's review the

reasons why we are to forgive.

1. God commands us to forgive. In this parable, Jesus says if we don't' forgive

others, the consequences will be terrifying for us. He also said, (Matthew 6:15), "...if

you do not forgive others, neither will your father forgive your trespasses." That is

serious. Christians believe that forgiveness is the universal human need that Christ

came to Earth to provide! It's central. Forgiveness solves the sin problem, the problem of

our separation from God. Forgiveness isn't just a suggestion. The command to forgive is

absolute. If we don't forgive, woe be unto us.

2. Our Own Debt Is Huge. Ten thousand talents is about three times the Budget

of the Commonwealth of Virginia. This is a picture of our debt in relation to a Holy God.

We are deeply in God's debt, and we don't have what it takes to make it right. Paul said,

"All have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23) John says, "If we

claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." (1 John 1:8)

God is holy, and sin puts a barrier between us and a holy God. Thanks be to God, Christ

removed the barrier between Man and God once and for all, by taking our sins on himself

on the cross. Christ paid our sin debt. When you follow Christ as your Lord, you are

forgiven in God's eyes.

3. Our own healing is at stake. Leanne Payne (Restoring the Christian Soul, Baker

Books) says that the failure to forgive others is one of the great barriers to receiving

healing physical, emotional, and spiritual healing. There is a clear scriptural connection

between health and forgiveness. When Jesus healed the paralytic man (Matt. 9:1-8), he

didn't proclaim healing, he said, "Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven... Rise up, take

up your mat and walk." The paralytic man walked! There is power in forgiveness: power

to heal, power to reconcile, divine power. Forgiveness IS healing. Anne Lamott wrote,

"...not forgiving someone is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die."

Forgiveness IS healing.

b. More difficult and important than why we are to forgive, is How we are to

forgive others.

1. Stop Counting. Peter asked Jesus, how many times should I forgive? As a lawyer

at Freddie Mac I learned this worldly advice: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me

twice, shame on me." In the world's eyes, forgiveness can seem like a limp surrender.

No one wants to be abused, so they want to know when they can stop forgiving. The

Rabbis of Jesus' day taught you should forgive someone three times, and then you didn't

have to deal with them any more. Peter knew that forgiveness was important to Jesus, so

he guessed that seven was a safely high and spiritual number. Seven is the number for

completeness! Jesus told him, no, Peter, forgive 7 times 70. In effect, put away your

calculator. Stop counting. Jesus says forgiveness is more than a duty; it's a gift. Use the

gift as often as it takes; it will set you free, again and again.

Jesus goal is to help us be like Him, and He has already forgiven us. Forgiveness is a

gift to the one who sinned against you, and it's also a gift to you. Forgiveness isn't a

surrender to your abuser; forgiveness is a surrender to God, and freedom from your

abuser, and from your own bitterness. When you forgive someone, you are saying "NO"

to letting that person or their sin have power over you any more.

Married couples, here is a word for you. If you're in the habit of counting who spends

more time with the kids, or who works harder for the family, or who makes more money,

or who does more chores - it's deadly. Marriage is not a 50-50 deal. It's really a 100

100 deal. You give 100%, and your mate gives 100%. If it feels like you are giving 75%

and your mate is giving 25%, it's probably about right. Marriage is about serving each

other all the time. Don't count; your own debt is too big. If you've got a Spreadsheet of

Grievances, even if it's just in your mind, hit the delete button on that bloodsucker it's

deadly.

2. Ask for forgiveness yourself. You are more likely to forgive others, and to be

reconciled with someone, if you ask their forgiveness for your bit of sin, as well as

forgiving others for their sin. So ask for forgiveness yourself. Keep your accounts short.

I have learned through painful experience the moment that you learn that someone has

something against you, it is best to drop everything, and go to them right away.

Relationships in the Body of Christ are more important than almost anything else. Jesus

says, "When your brother has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and go

be reconciled to them." Being unreconciled with another interferes with your

relationship with God. It interferes with Holy Communion. That is why we pass the

peace every Sunday. It's a time for reconciliation. Before you receive communion, ask

God if you are okay with everyone in the body. If not, go, seek them out at that time, and

be reconciled. If you are not sure, go to them and say, "Are you okay with me?" Do it

today, and do it every week. The Bible says, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger."

Get in the habit of saying "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." Say that regularly. You need

to say both of those. Not just one. Be specific when you confess your sins. Saying "I'm

sorry" is not enough. Neither is asking forgiveness enough, without the apology. You

need both, and it needs to be specific. Try it like this: "Honey, I'm sorry that I put you

down in front of the kids at breakfast. Please forgive me." Let's try saying it together:

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

3. Realize that you are capable of the same sin. The unmerciful servant missed

this. It's all too human to caricature people who hurt us, to label them and so dismiss

them. They have not only hurt us, but they have themselves been hurt, and in their

wounded-ness, they lash out. We do the same thing, and we are brought up short. When

things go very wrong, like they did in New Orleans last week, many people found

themselves doing things that they had no idea that they were capable of. When we accept

that we are capable of any sin, it becomes easier to forgive others.

4. Just do it: Forgive others. Even when we don't want to, when we don't feel

like it, still Christians forgive. It's not about feelings. It's a decision of the will; it's about

how you act, more than how you feel. You might still feel angry. Go ahead and

acknowledge the anger, and decide to forgive anyway. Larry Lea gives this advice about

the memory of the wrong: don't nurse it; don't rehearse it; don't curse it, just disperse it.

What if it seems like you just can't disperse it, you can't forgive, or just can't get over

your anger? Many times this 77 times to forgive happens in our own heads and hearts, as

we find that the feelings of bitterness are still there. Forgive again and again. You may

say, if faith and forgiveness are both gifts from God, then if you haven't been given the

gift, how do you get it? To this question, the answer is the same: just do it. Pray and

Obey. Act as if you do believe. Act as if you have forgiven, and pray for the gift. God

will help you. You just obey the objective commands of God, and over time, God will

bring your subjective emotions around.

Corrie Ten Boom was a Christian believer sent to a Nazi Concentration Camp

during World War II for trying to harbor Jews in her home. In the camp, her sister

became unstable and died. After the War, Corrie became convinced of the need to forgive

so that Europe could be healed. She preached this message all over the world. One day,

after she preached in Munich, a man came up to her, extended his hand and said, "Ja,

Fraulein, I'm so glad that Jesus forgives us all our sin, just as you say."

Corrie recognized the man as one of the guards at the concentration camp who

used to leer at her and the other women as they were forced to take showers. The man

had extended his hand, and Corrie's hand froze at her side. What could she do, she who

preached forgiveness, when she realized that she could not forgive? She prayed, "Jesus, I

can't forgive this man. Please forgive me." At once, she felt forgiven. Forgiven for not

forgiving. At that moment, her hand went up, took the hand of her enemy, and forgave

him. When she did that, she became free from her own bitterness. Forgiveness is better

than justice. Forgiveness sets us free.

The Apostle Paul wrote, "Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one

another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13) The Lord wants you to

give and receive forgiveness. He wants you to "get it."

Let's begin that process by praying now. Please stand. The Lord be with you. Let

us pray. Lord, speak to our hearts individually today, and show us if there is anyone we

need to forgive today. Let's take some quiet time now and allow the Lord to bring anyone

to mind you need to forgive. [pause]

Pray with me the prayer on your screen and in your bulletin: "Father in

Heaven, I thank you for creating _____________(person you need to forgive) in Your

image. With all my heart, by an act of will, I forgive him (her) for not becoming all You

created him to be. I realize now that he needed the healing and forgiveness that I am even

now receiving. I forgive him all his offenses against me. I do accept him as he is, an

unhealed and needy person. I will look for the real person You intended him to be, and I

will affirm it whenever I see it. Love him when you can, Lord, through me. Amen."

"Why and How to Forgive Others"

by Clancy Nixon

Church of the Holy Spirit

September 11, 2005

A. Why we are to forgive others

1. ______________________ us to forgive.

"...if you do not forgive others, neither will your father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:15)

2. __________________________is Huge.

"If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." (1 John 1:8)

3. Our own _________________is at stake

Anne Lamott wrote, "...not forgiving someone is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die."

B. How we are to forgive others.

1. Stop ______________________.

70 X 7

2. ____________________forgiveness yourself.

Say this often: "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

3. Realize that _____________________________of the same sin.

________________________________: Forgive others.

Larry Lea: don't nurse it; don't rehearse it; don't curse it, just disperse it.

"Father in Heaven, I thank you for creating ___________________(person you need to

forgive) in Your image. With all my heart, by an act of will, I forgive him (her) for not

becoming all You created him to be. I realize now that he needed the healing and

forgiveness that I am even now receiving. I forgive him all his offenses against me. I do

accept him as he is, an unhealed and needy person. I will look for the real person You

intended him to be, and I will affirm it whenever I see it. Love him when you can, Lord,

through me. Amen."